you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
