battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
