i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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