No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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