The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
