speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize