im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
