I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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