Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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