We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
