Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
