he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
