I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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