In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
