My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
