hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize
