Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
