I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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