I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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