do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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