16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
