Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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