I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
