Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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