i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
