I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
