Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize