Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't deserve a penis
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
