have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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