we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
