You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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