My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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