I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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