I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
