i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
