While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
