I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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