I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize