just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
True strength comes from lack of pants
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
