just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need a beard to bite.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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