I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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