a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
