and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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