Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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