Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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