I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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