you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would ride that face into the sunset
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
