My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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