Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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