I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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