Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I AM VODKA MAN
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
