I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
