mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
