Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
