it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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