I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im holly from the hills drunk
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
